


Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier (Hazbin Hotel Edition)

by FurbyDisaster53



Series: Hazbin Hotel Movie Parodies [23]
Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series), Helluva Boss (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, Humor, M/M, Moxxie is friggin evil, Parody, Team Starkid references, Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier Parody, We just have to go with it though, musical numbers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-20 10:53:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30003780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FurbyDisaster53/pseuds/FurbyDisaster53
Summary: Alastor is the royal vizier of the kingdom of Agrabah, and all he wants is the best for his kingdom. In order to achieve that, he has to find a magic lamp. However, things start to go wrong when a thief named Moxxie runs off with it instead.
Relationships: Alastor/Angel Dust (Hazbin Hotel), Millie/Moxxie (Helluva Boss)
Series: Hazbin Hotel Movie Parodies [23]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1974124
Comments: 42
Kudos: 10





	1. Dream A Little Harder

**Author's Note:**

> So, this isn’t technically a movie parody, but I really wanted to do this one! I’m counting this one as more of a side project. 
> 
> Here’s the link to the show if you’re curious about it! It’s really good, and it deserves more exposure.  
> https://youtu.be/-77cUxba-aA

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there was a magic kingdom called Agrabah. This kingdom prospered due to two simple ideas: duty and devotion. The two ds. For many years, the kingdom stood as a beacon for artists and storytellers, all of whom desired to uphold the sacred two ds. 

Through their hard work, a glorious golden age came to the kingdom. It was followed by a second, even greater than the first. Then came the dark times. The kingdom fell into the hands of an evil sultan, and through his negligence, the kingdom fell to ruin. The happiest place on Earth became the crappiest place on Earth. 

Despite the efforts of one man. A man with a dream. A dream to restore the kingdom to its former glory and bring about a third golden age. A misunderstood man. This is his story. The untold story of Alastor, a royal vizier.

——————————————————————-

One morning, Alastor and his cat, Husk, headed into town. 

“I look around the kingdom  
And see the desperation  
And the devastation that persists  
No matter what I do  
But today could be the day  
I finally make a difference  
And all the grateful citizens will say to me-,” Alastor began, before citizens looked at him.

“Fuck you!  
Fuck you!  
Fuck you  
Fuck you  
Fuck you!” they sang, as they all flipped him off.

The baker, Stella, walked by. “Fuck you, Alastor!” she said. 

“Good morning, Miss Stella!” Alastor replied. 

“Where are you off to today, you no good piece of shit?” Stella asked.

“Ha! Piece of shit!” Husk laughed. 

“What did you just call me, you bastard!?” Stella yelled.

“No, madame! I said nothing! That was only Husk, my cat. Occasionally he repeats things he finds funny,” explained. Alastor 

“Well, maybe he’ll think this is funny. Fuck you, Alastor. Octavia! The baguettes! Get your ass in here!” Stella called. 

“Why don't we have enough to eat?  
Why are we dying in the street?  
Why does my baby always cry?  
Why did my mommy have to die?  
Mine too  
Mine too  
Mine too, Mine too, Mine too!” the citizens sang. 

One of them, Cherri Bomb, stood before the others. 

“The answer here is crystal clear  
“It’s Al, that ugly ass vizier!  
He's the reason for our many woes!” she sang, prompting another girl, Mimzy, to run over. 

“Though we're upset, we shouldn't fret  
We mustn't let ourselves forget  
The saying every child raised within the kingdom knows

You've got to dream a little harder  
When life won't go your way  
Simply dream a little harder  
Trust me when I say that when you

Dream a little harder  
You're sure to follow through

'Cause if you're good and you're attractive  
No need to be proactive  
Good things will just happen to you!” Mimzy sang. 

Alastor walked to the library, run by a man named Lucifer. I've come to return the book I borrowed!” Alastor smiled.

“Geez, Alastor. It took you long enough, you shit-eating dog,” Lucifer said, as he took the book. 

“I couldn't put it down! It's one of my favorites! The story of a misunderstood witch who's really not wicked at all. She's just green! But she still gets blamed for all the kingdom's problems,” Alastor explained.

“What? Do you think you're better than me just 'cause you can read? Well get out of my bookstore, we don't like your kind here anyway,” Lucifer stated. 

“But what about the book?” Alastor asked. 

“Keep it. And may the rats ejaculate upon you,” Lucifer replied.

“Thank you! Thank you very much!” Alastor smiled, before he walked off.

“Why is the kingdom plagued by theft?  
Why are there no more good jobs left?  
Why does the sun go down at night?  
Why’s most everyone in the kingdom white?” the citizens sang.

They pondered that last question for a minute. “Uh….Alastor?” Lucifer asked.

“It’s Al!” Cherri agreed.

“It’s Al!” the citizens sang.

“No man who's just  
Could ever trust  
A face that triggers such disgust  
His twisted features give me such a chill!” Cherri sang.

“So let us pray that one fine day  
That evil man will go away  
'Cause if we want it bad enough he will!” Mimzy sang. 

“For if you  
Dream a little harder  
You'll get what you desire

Dream a little harder  
When things are looking dire  
If you dream a little harder  
Success is guaranteed

If you are sure of your intention  
Some magic intervention  
Will give you the edge that you need!” they all sang. 

Alastor heard people say these things about him every day. They never bothered him, he just wished people would listen to him for once. 

“I know that I'm no prize  
I'm not so easy on the eyes  
I can't rely on looks to get me by  
But ugliness permits a man to use his wits  
'Cause pretty people never have to try

I hear the people whisper as I walk about the streets  
I know they call me-,” he began. 

“UGLY FUCKING AL!” the citizens yelled.

“What I call planning, they call scheming  
What I call delusion, they call dreaming  
Why am I the only one who sees things as they are?” Alastor sang. 

“I need six eggs!” Mimzy sang. 

“Why not buy some?” Alastor asked. 

“I want to fly!” Stella added. 

“That's unrealistic,” Alastor stated. 

“I want to be a cat!” Lucifer smiled. 

“What?” Alastor asked. 

“Fuck you!” Lucifer yelled. 

“Whistle while you swallow  
A spoonful of sugar  
And your dreams will come true upon a star!” the citizens sang. 

“Dream hard enough, my friend  
And Al will meet a violent end  
He could be skewered by a sailing ship!” Cherri sang. 

“Or hanged in tangled jungle vines  
Or eaten by hyenas  
Or he'll plummet to his death from a castle  
A clock  
Or a cliff

And if we dream a little harder  
Our patience and our honor  
Will rid us of that ugly Alastor!” the citizens sang.

“Fuck you!” Cherri shouted, ending their song.

Alastor sighed and turned to Husk. “Husker, sometimes I feel as if you’re my only friend,” he said.

“Love you to, Al. Can I get some booze?” Husk asked.

“Go ahead,” Alastor nodded. Husk walked off, and Alastor saw that his book fell on the ground. “Oh goodness, now my book is going to be covered in mud!” he said, as he picked it up. “Oh wait…” he said, smelling it. “Is that…” he began. 

Just then, Fizzarolli, the captain of the guard, walked over. “That smell is me, Alastor. You won’t fucking believe what happened this morning,” he said.

“Fizzarolli, why on earth are you covered in feces?” Alastor asked.

“The boys and I jumped from a window and into a cart of fertilizer,” Fizzarolli answered. 

“....why?” asked Alastor. 

“We were chasing this guy. A thief who robs from merchants every day. Bread, laundry, even fucking watermellons. We’ve been trying to catch him, but the son of a bitch is always one jump ahead,” Fizzarolli explained. “Today, things got a little crazy. A fuck ton of people died.”

“What?!” Alastor asked.

“I don’t wanna go into details, but like….a sword swallower died after a monkey ripped the sword from his throat. That guy who sleeps on a bed of nails died too. When we fell through into the cart, this one guy snapped his neck on impact, and two more choked on shit. All this for a loaf of bread,” Fizzarolli said.

Just then, a guard walked over, coughing. “Baxter! You’re alive? I thought you choked on shit!” Fizzarolli exclaimed.

“Did we get the bread back?” Baxter asked.

“Oh, I’m terribly sorr-,” Alastor began, but Fizzarolli motioned for him to stop talking. 

“Yeah. Yeah, Baxter. We got the bread back,” he said.

“Thank goodness,” Baxter smiled, before dying on the spot.

“This is all your fault, Alastor,” Fizzarolli said.

“My fault! How is it my fault and not that thief's!?” Alastor yelled.

“There wouldn’t be any thieves if you fixed the socioeconomic inequality like you promised, bitch!” Fizzarolli snapped. “Why do you even bother coming through town, you aristocat?”

“There’s a very important prince coming by today. From the land of Pik-Zar! I wanted to welcome him myself,” Alastor explained.

“Another suitor for the princess?” Fizzarolli asked.

“If only. He’s actually here because the trade agreement between his kingdom and ours has expired. If we don’t extend the contract, our kingdom is doomed,” Alastor explained. “I’m determined to make sure his visit is a good one! We’ve arranged a character breakfast with the princess, gave him a two day park hopping pass, and a lanyard for souvenir pin collecting.”

“I think I saw that guy on his horse earlier,” Fizzarolli said.

“Oh did you?” Alastor asked.

“Yeah! That thief I told you about went over to him and said, ‘Look at that, Vaggie! It’s not everyday you see a horse with two asses.’ I’m still not sure if he meant that the prince had a big, horsey ass, or if he meant the guy had a horse ass for a face,” Fizzarolli explained.

“Goodness! He’s probably furious! I have to get back to the palace and make sure his breakfast with the princess goes well,” Alastor said. 

“Hey, speaking of, doesn’t Millie like to make her tigers attack visiting princes?” asked Fizzarolli.

“Oh my word! You’re right!” Alastor gasped.

“I hope you didn’t fuck this up too, Al,” Fizzarolli said. 

“No, no! I have this all under control. I need you to go capture that thief. What’s his name?” Alastor asked.

“Moxxie,” Fizzarolli replied.

“Then we must find this one. This...Moxxie,” Alastor said.

The two walked off. As soon as they did, Moxxie and his pet monkey Vaggie walked out. “Wow….look at this mess! Dead bodies in the street. This kingdom is no place to raise a monkey,” he said.

“Isn’t that one of the guards from earlier?” Vaggie asked, as she pointed at Baxter.

“Yeah. Well, I guess there’s only one thing we can do about it now,” Moxxie said. He grabbed Baxter’s wallet and passed it to Vaggie. “Here! That’ll get you into bars,” he smiled.

“Oh cool,” Vaggie said.

“Those guards should’ve just let me take this bread. They just don’t understand. I’m not a bad guy! I just only steal what I can’t afford. And that’s everything,” Moxxie said, as music began.

“Oh shit, are you about to sing?” Vaggie asked.

“Want food, but got no money?  
I'm screwed, or so it would seem  
That's why I came up with this brilliant scheme  
Just steal everything!” Moxxie sang. 

“Alright, Vaggie, let's feast!” he said, before breaking the bread.

“Yes! Finally!” Vaggie smiled.

Moxxie gave her a piece, then bit into his. “Ew! Raisins. I hate raisins,” he said. He noticed two kids walk by. “Hey, little orphan kids, you guys hungry? Want some bread?” Moxxie asked.

“We do, sir,” the little girl smiled.

“Here,” he said. He handed it to them, but accidentally dropped it. “Woops. Okay, see ya!” he smiled, before walking away.

“For real, I'm not that picky  
I'll steal whatever's in sight  
Don't judge, 'cause you don't understand my plight  
I steal everything!” sang Moxxie.

A man named Tom Trench walked by, holding a basket of bread. “Bread! Bread for sale! Reasonably priced for these hard times!” he called. 

“Oh hi, buddy!” Moxxie said, as he and Vaggie walked over to him. 

“Oh shit! Not you again! You just stole a loaf of bread from me this morning!” Tom yelled. 

“Oh don’t worry, I’m not taking another loaf from you. I just wanted to say that you should really stop putting raisins in it. I hate raisins. I was talking to Vaggie about it, and she thinks we should just kill you,” Moxxie said.

Tom nervously looked at Vaggie, but she shrugged innocently. “I told her that was crazy. So we’re letting you off easy. Just remember, no more damn raisins,” Moxxie continued.

“Okay, okay. I’ll make you some more bread tomorrow! With no raisins,” Tom said.

“Thanks! You’re the best! I’ll tell all my thief friends about you!” Moxxie smiled, as Tom walked away. 

“Did you know in this barbaric country  
They only give you money if you work

Thanks, but no thanks, the man  
I'll keep stealing all I can  
Instead of being a fascist yuppie jerk!” Moxxie sang.

“Hippie!  
Fucker!  
Slacker!” the citizens sang. 

“Sucker!  
Who would seek employment  
When life offers such enjoyment?

Anything I get, I can get for free  
Besides, the economy's shit

So I make haste when making exits  
Get chased by a murderous mob  
Hey man, still beats getting a job

Am I right?” Moxxie sang. 

“I feel that it's my duty to steal, 'cause stealing's an art

I'll steal clothing and shelter, whatever I lack  
Candy from babies, the shirt off your back!

Credit, identities, thunder, and scenes  
Intellectual property, whatever that means

And if you'll look closer  
This poor little orphan will steal your heart!” he finished.


	2. Everything and More

Alastor had gone back to the palace to make sure Millie’s meeting with Prince Pentious had gone well. He mainly hoped that she hadn’t made a tiger attack him. “Alright. Hopefully Pentious’s visit is a happy one! And who knows? Maybe he and the Princess will hit it off,” Alastor said.

Just then, Prince Pentious angrily stormed in. “Good luck marrying her off!” he yelled.

“Ah! Hello, Prince Pentious,” Alastor smiled. 

“Alastor! Is this how your kingdom treats its guests? Take a look at this!” Pentious yelled. He turned around and showed Alastor the massive tear in his pants. “Tell me, what do you see?” 

“Your egg boxer shorts, your majesty,” Alastor replied.

“What else?” Pentious asked. 

“Erm….well…” Alastor stammered, trying to find the right words. “Your….rear end, sir,” he said. 

“Exactly! My ass cheeks! And blood. Blood on my ass cheeks!” Pentious yelled, before he turned back to face Alastor. “So tell me, Alastor…..how the fuck did it get there?” 

“I’m not entirely sure how to answer that,” Alastor replied.

“It is because Princess Millie just sicced a Bengal tiger upon my ass! I’m lucky that it’s so pert and small,” said Pentious. 

“Well, I am certainly glad that you’re alright, your highness,” Alastor said. 

“Alright?! I’m not alright! Did that girl really think that she could feed a prince to a Bengal tiger and that there would be no political consequences!?” Pentious asked. “This is an act of war, Alastor! And she treated it as if it were a throwaway joke! Like I was some silly side character here only to illustrate her reluctance to get married!”

“No! Of course not!” Alastor exclaimed.

“Not only am I the ruler of a proud, sovereign nation, but I have feelings too. And people who care about me,” Pentious stated.

“You’ll have to forgive Millie. I can assure you, she didn’t truly mean any harm,” Alastor said.

“Oh please! This is just another insult that your kingdom has heaped upon mine! I am fucking tired of this disrespect! Think about all of your kingdom's greatest exports over the last ten years: toys, exotic fish, trash compacting robots, and other such incredibles. And they were produced by my kingdom, not yours!” Pentious shouted.

“Of course! You produce the goods, and we distribute them,” Alastor replied.

“You take the credit for them!” Pentious returned.

“We share the credit!” Alastor exclaimed.

“Well, guess what, bitch? We don't want to share the credit anymore! I had thought about extending our alliance, but now because of your princess that is completely out of the question. The next time I come back to Agrabah, I won’t have a lanyard or a two day park hopping pass, but a fucking army! Alastor, prepare for war!” Pentious yelled. 

“Pentious! Wait!” Alastor begged. 

“No! Nobody makes an ass of Prince Pentious!” Pentious shouted. 

He left the palace, and Alastor was furious. “Millie! That girl has some explaining to do….” he muttered. He looked through the window and noticed a group of birds flying away. “Oh no! The Indian Swallowtails escaped!” 

Princess Millie walked in, followed by her slaves, Razzle and Dazzle. “No! I set them free!” she smiled.

“Millie, those birds were imported from a foreign land! They can't possibly survive here, the hawks will eat them in an hour,” Alastor said.

“Well an hour free is better than a life in a cage. Being fed, pampered, and cleaned up after! What kind of a life is that?” Millie asked. 

“Princess, when are you going to learn that your actions have consequences? That prince you made Loona attack has threatened our kingdom with war!” Alastor exclaimed.

“It's not a big deal. He was a huge joke! Just like every other stuck up asshole I've met,” Millie replied.

“But not all of your suitors deserve to have a tiger attack them. What about that first prince? Florian was it? He was a charming young man,” Alastor said.

“He made out with a girl while she was blacked out in the middle of a forest. That's not really charming. It’s a little rape-y,” said Millie. 

“Well, what about Prince Eric? He seemed he had a nice personality,” Alastor smiled. 

“He fucked a fish,” Millie returned. 

“Oh, he did not,” Alastor stated. 

“Well, he wanted to fuck a fish!” Millie exclaimed. 

“Alright, perhaps not every suitor has been a winner. But you do know that you're going to have to get married one of these days,” Alastor said.

“I’m not getting married to anybody! When you really think about it, marriage basically represents the ownership of women. It's kinda like slavery. GRAPES!” Millie shouted. Razzle rushed over and started feeding her grapes. “Besides, if I do marry, I want it to be for love,” she continued. 

“One of these days, you're going to learn that life isn't about dreams coming true. It's a series of compromises and disappointments. I was hoping that Prince Pentious could fix our kingdom's problems, but now we are worse off than ever, and I've got to find a way to clean up your mess!” Alastor yelled, before he walked off. 

“He just doesn’t get it. Being a princess is so hard. I'm suffocating in this palace,” Millie sighed. Dazzle nodded and started to fan her. “Well, now I'm kind of chilly,” she said.

Razzle offered her a shroud of silk. “I can't wear this! They make these things in fucking sweatshops? Where have you been?” Millie asked.

“Spinning silk in your private sweatshop, miss,” Razzle replied. 

“You actually work in one of those?” Millie asked. Razzle simply nodded. “That's supporting a corrupt system! You're a part of the problem.” Razzle was confused, but Millie didn’t seem to notice. “Am I the only one who wants more outta life? I just wanna be free so badly! You slaves could never understand how it feels,” she said.

Razzle and Dazzle nodded and walked away. As soon as they were gone, Millie began to sing.

“I'm the most powerful girl in the land  
With a wave of my hand I can give a command  
But it's just like... whatever  
'Cause they don't understand

Look at my life from the outside and sure  
I've got servants and tigers and stuff  
You're probably thinking, "She's got everything"

Well it's true 'cause I do  
But so the fuck what, it's not enough,” she sang.

“I want a life of adventure  
With no orders I have to obey  
And dangers galore  
Long as I can be sure  
That I'm safe and secure at the end of the day

I've gotta escape from this palace  
For a life where I'll truly be free  
I'll go live somewhere new  
Just as big with a view  
And a few dozen servants attending to me

That's all I'm asking for  
I just want everything and more,” Millie continued. 

“I want the moon  
I want to live on the moon  
And eat it in a pie  
And keep it as a pet  
And wear it like a gemstone in my hair

And someday soon  
The people who say I'm just dreaming  
Like Dad and Alastor  
Will see how wrong they are  
As I laugh in their faces through mouthfuls of moonbeam pie

I wanna make my own choices  
I mean please, is that so much to ask?  
But decisions are hard and I'm being bombarded  
Why can't somebody help with this tiring task?” sang Millie. 

“The life of a princess is fraught with complication  
It's enough to make me wish I were lowly and poor  
But, like, with money

What I wouldn't give to live in a new situation  
Each slave and guard makes life so hard  
'Cause I'm always barred  
From having everything and more,” she finished.


	3. Sands of Time

In order to amend things with Pik-Zar, or start preparations for war, Alastor met with his assistant viziers. “Alright ladies and gentlemen! We’ve got to get to work. If we can fix things with Pentious, he may decide not to wage war on us,” he said.

Alastor looked around, but he realized his assistants were no were to be found. “Hello? Anyone?” he called.

At that, Fizzarolli walked into the room. “Hey, Al,” he said.

“Fizzarolli, where are my assistant viziers? All of those people who share my commitment to duty and devotion? Has my entire 2D department gone missing?” Alastor asked.

“Oh. I guess nobody told you,” Fizzarolli said.

“Told me what?” Alastor asked.

“Um…...here,” Fizzarolli said, as he handed Alastor a scroll. 

“‘By royal decree of the Sultan and his executive branch, the entire 2D department is to be disbanded. All 150 of its members are to be sacked!’” Alastor read.

“Yep. We stuffed them in burlap sacks and beat them until they were dead,” Fizzarolli nodded.

“But those were men and women of incredible talent!” Alastor exclaimed, before he sighed. “All those remarkable artists were just thrown right out the window.”

“Yep. Out of the highest window of the Western tower,” Fizzarolli added.

“How could Sultan Blitzo do this?!” Alastor yelled. 

“Don't blame the sultan, Alastor. This is all your fault! You didn't have the 2D department doing literally anything. Or at least not anything good,” Fizzarolli said. 

“Oh that’s not true. We-,” Alastor started, before he realized something. They really hadn’t been doing anything successful. “We….” 

“Okay, well while you’re thinking about it, I gotta go. See ya!” Fizzarolli smiled, before he walked off. 

“To think….our kingdom was once a pioneer of art and culture and technology. How did it come to this? How did it come to this?!” Alastor yelled. In a fit of rage, he started kicking things over. He stopped when he spotted half a golden scarab on the floor. “It can't be….” he said, as he picked it up. “His necklace. I haven't seen this in ages.” 

“Sands of time   
Take me back   
Before it all went wrong  
When love was but a song   
And tomorrow shone as brightly as the sun.   
Teach me to undo what's done.   
Sands of time  
Take me back,” Alastor sang.

———————————————————-

About fifteen years ago, Alastor was headed to the palace. He passed some merchants in the street, and happily waved to them. “Hello, everyone!” he said. 

“Alastor! Today's the day, right? The day the palace finally hires somebody who knows what he’s doing. Assistant vizier to the Sultan. You’re totally going to straighten out those crooked politicians,” a merchant named Crymini said. 

“Now, now, my dear. I'm sure the higher ups in the palace are doing their very best. They just need someone with strong resolve to keep them on the right track,” Alastor smiled. 

“How do you do it, Alastor? How is it that you are so good to everyone you meet?” Stella asked. 

“It’s simple really. Anyone can do it! I just follow the Golden Rule,” Alastor answered. 

“What rule is that?” Crymini asked. 

“Why it's as easy as a one, two, three, four!” Alastor shouted, as the music began. 

“Follow the golden rule  
For life's a two-way street

Keep that in mind  
And you'll be kind  
To everyone you meet!

Follow the golden rule  
It isn't hard to do

Always treat others like sisters and brothers  
And they'll do the same for you.

Before you harm your fellow man  
Ask this question first:  
How would you wish that he treat you  
If your fortunes were reversed?

Follow the golden rule  
That's how I choose to live

Wow, simple reciprocity  
Is always my philosophy  
I get back what I give!” Alastor sang.

Just then, a merchant named Katie rushed by, holding a knife and chasing a little boy. “Get back here, you bitch!” she shouted. 

“Please! I'm starving!” the boy exclaimed. 

“Do you know what the penalty is for stealing?” Katie asked. 

“Stop this immediately! Katie, on earth is going on?” Alastor asked. 

“This little shit robbed me!” Katie exclaimed. 

“So you choose to take the law in your own hands?” asked Alastor.

“Um, yeah. It’s my fucking right,” Katie replied.

“But is it right?” Alastor asked, before the music started up again.

“Before you harm your fellow man  
Ask this question first:  
How would you wish that he treat you  
If your fortunes were reversed?” he sang.

“Why take this boy's hand when you could just as easily put it to work?” Alastor asked.

“You’re right! I can give that bastard a job,” Katie smiled.

“And you boy, don't you see that if everyone stole from Katie's cart, that she would be the one who was starving?” Alastor asked. 

“My hunger blinded me and forced me to act like an animal,” the boy said. 

“We're not animals. We're gifted! With minds to reason and hearts to love!” Alastor exclaimed. 

“Follow the golden rule  
For life's a two-way street

Keep that in mind  
And you'll be kind  
To everyone you meet!

Follow the golden rule  
It isn't hard to do

Always treat others like sisters and brothers  
And they'll do the same for you

Follow the golden rule   
Follow the golden rule   
Follow the golden rule   
Follow the golden rule!” everyone sang. 

“Alright, everyone! I think that's about enough fun for one day. I'd better be off to the palace!” Alastor exclaimed. 

“Good luck, Alastor! And remember…” the citizens began, before they started to sing again. 

“Follow the Golden Rule!   
That's how we choose to live.   
It's very easy!   
Simple reciprocity is always our philosophy!” they sang.

“I get back what I give!” Alastor added. 

“We get what we give!” the citizens sang. 

“That's it!” Alastor smiled.

“I get back what I give!   
Follow the Golden Rule!   
Follow the Golden Rule! 

I get what I give!   
I get what I give!   
Follow the Golden,   
follow the Golden,   
Follow...The... Golden-,” everyone sang.

The song ended as soon as Alastor walked into the palace. He spotted a man holding a staff, so he quietly walked over to him. “Pardon me, sir? Are you Vox, the grand vizier?” he asked.

“Yes...but who the hell are you? Who dares enter the royal palace and disturb the royal vizier as he rests in his royal chambers of the royal palace?” Vox asked. 

“Alastor! Pleasure to meet you, sir,” Alastor smiled.

“Oh….you’re the new assistant vizier. The coffee fetcher,” Vox smirked. 

“Oh, I plan on doing a little more than that, sir. I know that it's my first day, but if you just give me the time, I've prepared a list of reforms the city is in desperate need of,” Alastor explained. “Now, it will take a lot of hard work, and a little bit of elbow grease, but I believe that if we just follow the Golden Rule, that we can all create a whole new world, for you and me! And most importantly, the great people of this kingdom!”

Vox’s assistant viziers came in while Alastor was talking, and now they were all laughing at him. “Listen, bitch, You speak of a Golden Rule. We have our own Golden Rule here. Whoever has the gold makes the rules,” Vox smiled.

“Pardon?” Alastor asked. 

“I follow the Golden Rule.   
How can a man resist?

When the gold in his hand   
lets him rule the land   
with an iron fist.

I follow the Golden Rule.   
It's either them or me. 

The gold that my neighbor   
earns from his labor is gold   
I'll never see. 

Who has the gold makes all the rules,   
so he wins the game and then the prize for winning?” Vox sang. 

“MORE GOLD! HAHA!” the other viziers added.

“And the game begins again!” Vox continued. 

“Follow the Golden Rule,” the viziers sang.

“Oh don't be such a fool!   
Damn your stupid charity,   
we chase our own prosperity, we-,” sang Vox.

“Follow the gold,   
follow the gold,   
follow the gold,   
follow the gold,   
follow the gold,” the viziers repeated. 

“And rule!” Vox sang.

“Follow the gold…  
And rule!   
Follow the gold…  
And rule!   
Follow the gold, gold, gold…” they all sang. 

“And rule,” Vox finished. 

When their song ended, Vox turned to Alastor. “So. Just keep your mouth shut and your palm open and you may just get filthy, stinking rich!” he exclaimed. “Come gentlemen, to the opium den.”

Vox and the others walked away, leaving Alastor alone. “Goodness. I hadn’t expected this place to be so…..awful,” he said. 

Just then, he heard a sword slash. A man in pink ran in, bleeding. “Fuck, fuck fuck,” he muttered. 

“Oh my goodness! What happened to you?” Alastor asked, as he ran over to him. 

“Somebody cut off my ear cause they didn't like my face,” the other answered. 

“But that's barbaric!” exclaimed Alastor.

“Hey, it's home,” he shrugged. 

“Don’t worry, my friend. I am a studied healer. I may not be able to save the ear, but I can help with the bleeding,” Alastor said. He carefully started tending to the man’s wounds. “It would help if we kept you talking. You could start by telling me your name.”

“Angel. I guess I’m gonna get fired soon. I'm here only for my looks, and now that's fucked,” he replied. 

“Angel, true beauty lies within, but no scratch could ruin your heavenly glow,” Alastor smiled.

Angel smiled back at him. “That’s really sweet of ya to say, sir,” he said. 

“You don’t need to be so formal with me. I’m simply a servant to the people, and therefore your servant. My name’s Alastor,” he said, before he paused. “If you don’t mind my asking, what is it that you do in the palace?”

“I entertain nobles. Y’know, I sing, dance, and I tell stories,” Angel answered. 

“Stories? What kind of stories?” Alastor asked. 

“Oh, I got plenty of good stories. Have ya ever heard about the Owl Head Cave? It’s full of wonders ya can’t even imagine! A forbidden treasure, a flying carpet. And the coolest treasure of them all: a busted up oil lamp,” Angel explained. 

“......What?” Alastor asked. 

“Sure, it looks plain, but this is no ordinary lamp. It’s got a genie inside! A shapeshifter who’ll grant all of ya wishes. And she’s really funny,” Angel said. 

Alastor finally finished bandaging Angel up. “There you go. Be certain to keep the bandages tight, or else the wound may become gangrenous,” he said. 

“Holy shit! Are ya a sorcerer or something?” Angel smiled.

“Oh no. Sorcery is for dreamers. I on the other hand am a man of science. I only believe in what I can touch and feel. This...cave of wonders you speak of. I can assure you it doesn’t exist. I would know; I apprenticed a geographer,” Alastor said. 

“That’s just cause ya haven’t seen it. The cave is hidden to anybody that doesn’t have the key. Here,” Angel replied. 

He took off his necklace and handed it to Alastor. “This is a lovely pendant. A golden scarab if I'm correct,” Alastor said. 

“Half a scarab. Half the key. They say that the cave was sealed by two lovers who were turned into one golden scarab. The cave can only open when the two halves are put together, and the lovers are united again,” Angel explained.

“That's beautiful,” Alastor smiled. 

“Ya see, ya say that ya only believe in what ya can touch and feel. And magic is something that touches somebody’s soul. There ain’t a better feeling than that,” said Angel. 

“Wise words. Maybe you’re right,” Alastor replied.

He went to hand the scarab back to Angel, but he accidentally dropped it. They both went to pick it up, and their hands touched. “Sorry,” they both said.

Alastor looked at Angel, a slight blush on his face. “How many stories do you know?” he asked.

“I know a thousand tales to fill a thousand nights  
But now another story comes to mind  
A noble, young vizier ascends to wondrous heights  
He's brilliant as he's handsome, and handsome as he's kind

He is at once familiar and unknowable  
To the frightened boy he meets along the way  
And to the boy's surprise, something in his eyes  
Beckons him to know him and inspires him to say

I wanna know ya story  
I wanna know ya past  
So tell me slowly from the start  
Leave out no detail  
Savour every part,” Angel sang. 

“I wanna know ya story  
So make the story last  
I wanna know each twist and turn  
Tell me all I've missed  
I've so much to learn

For when it comes to stories  
I thought I knew them all  
Now I'm face to face with one  
I can't seem to recall,” he continued.

“The young vizier had come to help inspire change  
But fate had planned an unexpected twist  
Within the palace walls he discovered something strange  
And found the missing part of him he didn't know he missed,” Alastor began. 

“He is at once a comfort and a mystery  
To the callow man he meets that fateful day  
He's beautiful and wise, and something in his eyes  
Beckons him to know him and inspires him to say

I want to know your story  
I want to know your past  
I want to know your future too  
Fill my days and nights  
With the tale of you,” he continued. 

“I want to know your story  
So make the story last  
And linger over every part  
Tell it till I know  
Every bit by heart,” they both sang. 

“I never cared for stories  
Until you entered mine,” Alastor sang.

“And now my only wish is that  
Our plots may intertwine,” they both sang. 

“But I forget what happens next….” Alastor began. 

“I'm not sure I understand,” Angel replied. 

“Remind me how he answers  
When he asks him for his hand?” Alastor sang, as he got down on one knee. 

Angel gasped, then he nodded. “Fucking took ya long enough! He says yes!” he smiled.

Alastor got up, and the two of them embraced. 

“A thousand and one nights with you is not enough to spend  
So let's make ours a story with no end  
So let's make ours a story with no end…” they sang.

A few months later, Alastor and Angel were living together. They complimented one another wonderfully, and Angel made Alastor happy on days when nothing else could. “I'm home, my dear! Vox has been driving me mad! The people of Agrabah are starving and he hosts frivolous parties every night. My land reform bill will never pass,” Alastor said. 

“They turned ya down again?” Angel asked.

“Yes! Goodness, I work with the most selfish, corrupt, idiotic old men! If I could just talk to the sultan, if for a minute I could have his ear!” Alastor exclaimed. 

“Like that bitchy nobleman took my ear?” Angel asked.

“Angel, this isn’t the time,” Alastor said, although he meant nothing of it. 

Angel smiled. “I’m just messing around, Al. But Now that I got ya to smile, I have something I wanna give ya,” he said. 

“Oh? What?” Alastor asked.

Angel walked to the other room, and he came back out holding a black and white kitten. “Ain’t he cute?” he asked.

“Aw! What an adorable little cat,” Alastor smiled.

“Can I have some milk? I wanna take a nap,” the kitten said.

“It talks!” Alastor exclaimed.

“I saw Husk in the marketplace and I knew ya would like him,” Angel replied. 

“What else does he say?” Alastor asked. 

“Anything we teach him,” Angel replied.

“Fuck you!” Husk yelled.

Alastor raised an eyebrow and looked at Angel. “I mean...I didn’t MEAN to teach him that. He just overheard me,” he said.

“It’s no matter. It’ll be wonderful to have something to love and care for. Especially since we can’t have a child of our own,” Alastor replied.

“Yeah,” Angel sighed. “Al? When ya finally move up in the ranks and become grand vizier, so ya think we could finally take in a kid?” he asked. The both of them saw orphans on the streets every day, and hated that they were never able to help one. 

“Of course, darling! When I’m grand vizier, I’m determined to do big things in Agrabah. And that includes helping each and every poor child we can,” Alastor said. 

Angel smiled and gave his husband a kiss. “Alastor, ya gotta be the nicest guy I know.”

Just then, a guard ran in. “Assistant vizier Alastor! News from the palace! Your request for a hearing with Sultan Blitzo has been granted. You are to report to the palace immediately!” he yelled, before leaving as soon as he delivered his message. 

“Oh, Angel! This is brilliant! My land reform bill is finally being heard by the sultan!” Alastor smiled. 

“This is amazing!” Angel exclaimed. 

“Come with me to the palace! I want you to be there for this,” Alastor said.

“I’d love to,” Angel replied.

“A thousand and one lifetimes is not enough to spend,   
So let's make ours the story with no end.   
So let's make ours the story with no end,” they sang.


	4. If I Believed

Alastor and Angel headed to the palace for their hearing with the sultan. They stood there in anticipation as Vox announced the sultan’s entrance. “BEHOLD! Behold! Behold! Father of the country. The wisest person in the land. Shepherd of the people. Sovereign of the land. He of the two legs. BEHOLD! The divine ruler. BEHOLD! The royal, Sultan Blitzo!” he exclaimed. 

Blitzo walked into the room, and Angel and Alastor knelt before him. “Oh Angel, this is marvelous! I never thought I'd see this day,” Alastor said.

“Whaddya think he has to say to us? It’s gotta be important,” Angel said. 

“Shut up! The sultan shall now speak in his miraculous voice,” Vox said.

Blitzo cleared his throat. “So….have you ever wanted to take your finger and shove it way up your asshole? I’ve thought about that. You know, just to see how it feels,” he said. There was an awkward silence, because no one knew what to say to that. “Okay! I’m ready to hear from the court,” he said. 

“Of course. And that was a very….interesting story, your highness. I’m sure that it’s enlightened us all,” Vox said. 

“Sure, sure. Where's my opium? I gotta have my wine, some meat, cheese. Y’know, the works,” replied Blitzo.

“You’ll get it in a moment, sir. But first, my shitty and unworthy assistant vizier would like to bring some issue or other for your consideration,” Vox said, before he turned to Alastor. “Get on with it, Alastor! And don't fuck it up!”

“Hello there, your highness! My name is Alastor, and I politely wish to offer up this bill of land reform. I believe it’s essential to our way of life,” he explained, as he got off the ground. 

“Woah! Who are you?” Blitzo asked. 

“I just said who I was, sir. My name is Alastor,” he answered.

“Not you, dipshit. Him,” Blitzo said, as he pointed at Angel.

“Oh! This is Angel. My husband,” Alastor replied.

“It’s a real honor to meet ya, ya majesty,” Angel said, as he got up as well. 

“Oh…..okay. You guys are a cute couple! Too bad he’s my husband now,” Blitzo smiled.

“What?!” Alastor yelled.

“I gotta have this guy for my harem! He’s hot as shit and gives me a mad boner. I’m pretty sure that’s enough explanation,” Blitzo said. 

“Whatever you say, your majesty. Angel will be yours at once,” Vox said. 

“No! He's my husband! I refuse to let this happen!” Alastor yelled.

“Who the hell do you think you are?! You dare to speak against the sultan? Against your king? On your knees, bitch!” Vox shouted.

Two guards came in. Alastor and Angel were separated, and Alastor was pushed down and beaten. “Alastor!” Angel screamed. 

“This man will be bathed and shaved and brought to your harem immediately, your highness,” Vox said. 

“Cool! I am DYING to get my dick wet,” Blitzo said, as he walked off. 

“Angel! I can't let this happen! He's stealing you from me, he's a thief! I won't let you go!” Alastor yelled.

“Alastor, ya have to. The sultan’s an asshole, but he wants this. And we gotta serve him,” Angel said, with tears in his eyes. 

“Perhaps I have a new purpose now,” Alastor replied.

Angel smiled softly and cupped his cheek. “Agrabah needs ya. Ya gonna be an amazing vizier someday. That’s what ya story’s about,” he said.

“I wish I had the power to rewrite it,” Alastor sighed. 

“Never stop wishing it, Alastor. Here. Take this,” said Angel, as he gave Alastor his necklace.

“A pendant?” Alastor asked. 

“Ya remember the two lovers?” Angel asked. 

“The key to the Owl Head Cave!” Alastor exclaimed. 

“I promise. We’re gonna be back together one day, and we’ll find wonders beyond ya wildest dreams!” Angel replied.

“That’s enough! It’s time to go,” Vox said. He dragged Angel away, and Angel gave Alastor a sad wave goodbye. 

Alastor waved back, watching as the love of his life was taken away. They had to be reunited. Someday.

————————————————————————-

Back in the present, Alastor continued to gaze down at Angel’s necklace. “First, I lost him to the sultan. Then, I lost him to heaven,” he said. 

“I thought that if I just did my duty I could get him back! Now, I'm the royal vizier. And powerless to save him, or our city. Unless…the cave. The lamp. The wish granting genie!” Alastor exclaimed, as he got an idea. 

“If I believed in wishes  
As silly as it seems  
I'd find that hidden cave  
Turn back the sands of time and save you  
If I believed in dreams

If I believed in magic  
If I believed in good  
I'd be the best vizier  
I'd make our troubles disappear  
If I believed I could

But wishes are dreams  
And dreams are pretend  
So science and reason  
Win out in the end

Science says you're dead and gone forever  
Reason says I'm talking to the air  
But something in my heart  
Some secret hidden part  
Illogically insists that you are there  
Somewhere

If I believe in wishes  
If I can find the key  
Perhaps it's not to late  
To change the course of fate  
'Cause after all I must be pretty great  
If you believed in me!” Alastor sang. 

At that moment, Fizzarolli burst in. “Hey! Good singing, Al,” he said. 

“Fizzarolli! What is it now? I’m busy,” Alastor returned. 

“Bad news. It's Princess Millie,” said Fizzarolli.

“Did she try attacking someone else?”Alastor asked. 

“No, not today. She ran away. We looked everywhere, but she isn’t here,” Fizzarolli explained.

“Oh goodness! After she talked about freedom….I should have seen this coming!” Alastor yelled.

“Oh yeah. This is all your fault, Alastor,” Fizzarolli said. 

“Well, don’t just stand there! Go out and find him. Search the entire kingdom! I have an errand I need to take care of,” Alastor said. Fizzarolli nodded and walked off, then Alastor sighed. “Oh Millie. You poor naive girl! I only hope you haven't fallen prey to some filthy, mindless delinquent!”


	5. Do You Believe In Love At First Sight?

That same day, in the marketplace, Moxxie led Mille to his rooftop home. “Right this way, sweetie,” he said. 

Millie smiled as she followed him. “Thanks again for saving me back at the marketplace. I can't believe that bitch wanted to cut off my hand just for taking one of her apples!” she exclaimed

“I know, right? Those merchants are total assholes about things like that. I mean, is she really going to eat all those apples? And did you know the ones she doesn't eat, she's trying to sell? For money? Pretty selfish of her,” Moxxie said. 

“But you're so sweet. You stuck your neck out for a girl you just met, and you didn’t ask for anything in return. And then you asked me to stay with you tonight! It was so nice,” smiled Millie. 

“It’s no big deal. I do it all the time!” Moxxie replied.

He leaned in for a kiss, but Millie didn’t notice. She continued to look around. “So, you live here?” she asked. 

“Well, I'm sort of squatting here,” Moxxie answered.

“Either way, it's fantastic,” Millie said. 

“Thanks! Even though it's kind of a mess right now. It's hard to keep a big place like this clean,” Moxxie replied. 

“Don't you have someone to clean it for you? Servants? Slaves? Anybody?” Millie asked. 

“I've got Vaggie, but she only cleans her side of the room, leaves the shower curtain open all the time, and she hasn't even started work on our screenplay,” explained Moxxie.

“You said you would start that!” Vaggie yelled.

“I might later! I’m busy!” Moxxie returned. Vaggie simply rolled her eyes and walked off.

“I can’t believe it! This fucking unfair! Poor people need slaves just as much as rich people do! Maybe even a little bit more. And do you know what the worst part is? The people in power are doing absolutely nothing to change that! Change scares old people,” Millie said. 

“Exactly! Adults just don't understand. Like you're sixteen, and I’m seventeen. I think I've seen it all, but I forget how young I am sometimes,” Moxxie replied. 

“I love how honest this conversation is. You’re so mature! And deep! Of course somebody as free spirited as you is struggling to get by! And all because of our fucking corrupt class system,” Millie said. 

“I can’t stand the class system! That's why I said, ‘Fuck it, I'm never going to school again’,” Moxxie said. 

“You just abandoned everything to be free? I’ve never met anybody so brave!” Millie exclaimed. 

“Brave? Me? I guess so. But I was kinda forced into it. I had to grow up fast. My life has just been...so hard. Cue the music,” Moxxie said, as music began.

“I know you think I'm this perfect guy  
But there's something I have to confess  
I only hope it doesn't make you like me any less

I got this tragic backstory  
That's driven other girls away  
But I feel like I can trust you  
You won't judge me for what I say

The others couldn't handle it  
'Cause my story's just too sad  
But here I go, you outta know  
I have no mom or dad,” Moxxie sang. 

“They died. Earlier this year. That makes me an orphan,” he added. “All my parents did was support me, tell me they loved me, and give me a place to stay. They were pretty shitty parents.”

“Oh Moxxie! I’m so sorry! I had no idea!” Millie exclaimed. 

“I had no one to bake me bread  
No one to make my bed  
No one to teach me the difference  
Between right and wrong

Or to sing me a song  
I long to be as strong as I used to be  
But I was orphaned at seventeen

I've got no one to hold me tight  
No one to kiss me goodnight  
No one to press her breasts up against me and say  
‘It'll all be ok’

But hey, that's just the way life is for me  
Since I was orphaned at seventeen,” continued Moxxie.

“They call me a jerkoff, a fuck up, a punk  
But I can't let that junk in my head  
I could've been a contender  
If not for the fact that my parents are dead

All things considered, I think I turned out pretty good  
Pulled myself up by my bootstraps and started  
Stealing all I could!

Still, there's no one to love me now  
But I'll make it through somehow  
Despite being so sadly and crushingly all alone

But I make a solemn vow  
That when I have kids of my own  
I'll break the chain  
You'll see  
I'm gonna live forever!” Moxxie exclaimed. 

“So they'll never know the pain of being orphaned at seventeen,” he finished, ending the song on a dramatic high note. 

Millie walked over to Moxxie and held his hands. “Do you believe in love at first sight?” she asked. 

“Of course I do! I've experienced it. A couple of times, actually,” Moxxie answered. 

Millie didn’t seem to catch that, or if she did, she didn’t care. She pulled Moxxie into a hug. The two of them gazed into one another’s eyes and moved in for a kiss. 

Just then Fizzarolli and the guards walked in. “There you are!” he shouted.

“They're after me! They're after you?!” Moxxie and Millie exclaimed.

“There she is, guys! Get her!” yelled Moxxie. Unfortunately for him, the other guards restrained him. “Dang it!” he shouted. 

“Princess! Good to see that you aren’t dead!” Fizzarolli exclaimed, as he held up his hand for a high five. “It’s a good thing we found you before this creep was able to-,”

“Give me my first kiss!” Millie yelled. “No high five,” she said, as she put Fizzarolli’s hand down. “You just ruined it! Now let him go.” 

“Sorry, but I can’t. This guy has to face trial for his crimes,” Fizzarolli replied. 

“That isn’t fair! He's an innocent victim of circumstance!” Millie returned. 

“Victim? Tell that to Retxab's twin brother Baxter! He was the victim,” Fizzarolli said, as he motioned to a guard that looked just like Baxter. 

“Well, unlike Moxxie, he probably had a family who loved him,” Millie stated. 

“Yeah,” Fizzarolli nodded. 

“Exactly,” Rextab added.

“This thief is going to get the same punishment as everybody else. Beheading!” Fizzarolli yelled. Millie glared at him and crossed her arms. “C’mon! I’m just doing my job. Don't look at me like that,” he said.

“Fuck you,” Millie grumbled. 

“Look, my orders come from Alastor. This is all his fault,” Fizzarolli said. 

“Ugh! Fuck Alastor! He’s a monster!” Millie shouted. 

She stormed off, and Fizzarolli and the guards to Moxxie to the dungeon.


	6. A Common Oil Lamp

Late that night, just outside the city of Agrabah, Alastor was waiting for someone. Finally, a short man walked over. “Arackniss...you’re late,” he said.

“I know, I know. Sorry, Al,” Arackniss returned. 

“Do you have it then?” Alastor asked.

“I had to slit a couple of throats, but I got it,” said Arackniss, as he handed Alastor the other half of a golden scarab.

“Yes! Finally! The other half of the golden scarab! Now I can finally find the entrance to the Owl Head Cave!” Alastor exclaimed, before the realization hit. “Hold on a moment. You slit people's throats? I didn't want you to kill anyone! How could you?”

Arackniss laughed. “Al, ya got it all wrong, that’s just an expression.” 

“Pardon?” Alastor asked. 

“Yeah! It means I got a killer deal at the marketplace! Slit, killer deal,” Arackniss explained. 

“Oh! So you simply bought it off a merchant?” Alastor asked. 

“Yeah, yeah! The bastard was a damn good businessman too. But I wasn’t intimidated. Nah. I walk right into his shop, and I fucked his puppy,” Arackniss smiled.

“What?!?” Alastor shouted, causing Arackniss to laugh again.

“That’s just another common expression, Alastor! It means that I put that merchant in his place like he was a defenseless little puppy,” he explained.

“Oh! What…...colorful expressions there are in the marketplace these days,” Alastor said. 

“Ya gotta learn to relax, Al. Not take everything so seriously,” Arackniss replied. 

“Right. Terribly sorry. Anyhow, you've done an excellent job, here is your payment,” Alastor said, as he gave Arackniss a bag of gold.

“Thanks! Yeah, it went great! Until that merchant realized how bad I fucked him on the price. Man. Did he ever chop my dick off,” Arackniss said. 

Alastor was about to question it, but he just assumed it was another phrase. He started laughing. “That’s a good one!” he exclaimed. 

“What the fuck are you laughing at?” Arackniss asked. 

“Excuse me?” Alastor asked. 

“You think that's funny, Al? Maybe you like to have a look at where my dick used to be!” Arackniss shouted, before he flashed the vizier. 

Alastor screamed, and Arackniss stormed off. “ASSHOLE!” he yelled.

“Alright, I've got a kingdom to save and a lamp to find. The Cave of Wonders is said to be a treacherous place. But no matter, I know just the able bodied soul I can risk in good conscience,” Alastor said.

Moments later, Alastor had gotten Moxxie out of the dungeon. The two of them headed into the desert together. “So let me get this straight. You broke me out of jail just so I could go to a cave filled with mountains of gold, and the only thing you want is a crummy old lamp?” Moxxie asked.

“Exactly. The rest of the treasure is yours. But the lamp is mine,” Alastor explained. 

“That’s so cool! Thanks! I'm going to get so much gold! I could swim through it, like a pool. Do you think people can really do that?” Moxxie asked.

“No. But once you have all that money you can finally leave your life of crime behind, then run away and never return,” Alastor replied.

“Oh yeah! I'm definitely going to do that. There's just one thing I have to do first,” Moxxie said. 

“And what would that be?” Alastor asked.

“Well, it's a girl,” Moxxie answered.

“What do you mean by that?” asked Alastor.

“A girl! Shes got these most amazing eyes, her hair is perfect, and she has the greatest ass! She’s just so….so….,” Moxxie began. 

“Beautiful?” Alastor smiled.

“Yes! Just..….I really wanna do her. So, so bad. But she's the princess. To even stand a chance I'd have to have enough money to, you know, hire an army of assassins to kill the royal vizier and all the palace guards. Then I can sneak in and you know, pork her. Then maybe...I dunno, we could get married or something. If she wanted. All I know is, once I get my mind set on a girl, I just can't move on until I get this nut out,” Moxxie explained.

“......right. But first, you must escape the Cave of Wonders with the lamp,” Alastor said. 

“Great! So where is this place?” Moxxie asked.

“I don't know. Yet,” Alastor said. He put the pieces of the scarab together. It lit up and flew into the sky, leaving a golden trail behind it. “It worked! Go! Follow that trail!” he shouted. Moxxie nodded and ran off. 

“I'll be treated like a hero  
All the citizens adore  
They'll throw a parade in my honor  
With peacocks and monkeys galore

The people will cheer  
For the royal vizier  
For answering duty's call

Not that I care for glory  
I just want a story  
With a happy ending for all!” Alastor sang. 

Meanwhile, Moxxie was headed for the cave. 

“I can't wait to be a rich guy  
'Cause I've heard it told  
Stealing is so much easier  
When you've already got tons of gold

But I got my eye  
On what money can't buy  
'Cause that princess is, ooh, hella tight

I'll be the one who plunders  
Her cave of wonders  
Get a happy ending tonight!” he sang. 

Elsewhere, Princess Millie was in the palace, gazing out of her window.

“My sweet, innocent Moxxie  
Please baby don't be dead  
It puts a damper on our love  
If you don't have a head

I wish that you could fly away  
Escape somehow and soar  
And take me to a world where  
We'll have everything and more!” she sang.

Alastor was still waiting for Moxxie, and he smiled to himself.

“And one day the genie will say to me:  
‘Alastor, you're a man of such virtue  
I hate to see how your loneliness  
And your memories hurt you

Shouldn't a man who's so noble  
And whose influence is so global  
Have someone just as swell?

I know what you're wishin'  
So with your permission  
I'd like to bring back Angel’,” Alastor sang.

He started to imagine what it would be like. Being able to see Angel again. He teared up at the thought.

“And with Angel beside me  
My failures will be absolved  
The world will be a paradise  
With all its problems solved

We'll retire to some far-off place  
And share an itty-bitty living space  
A humble yet cozy abode  
Where we can write our own happy ending!” Alastor sang.

Soon, their three parts of the song began to overlap.

“I want everything and more

I steal everything!

We'll get our happy ending

Meaning everything!” they sang, alternating lines. 

“And that happy ending starts…” Alastor began.

“I want everything…” Millie started.

“I'll steal everything…” Moxxie added.

Tonight!” the three sang.

As soon as the song ended, Moxxie flew over to Alastor on a magic carpet. “Finally! What happened in there?” Alastor asked.

“It was insane! I was swimming through this pile of gold in the cave. Then, it all turned into lava! I'm so lucky I escaped on this flying carpet!” Moxxie exclaimed.

“Fascinating. Did you get the lamp?” Alastor asked. 

“I sure did,” Moxxie nodded, as he held it up.

“Oh, that’s wonderful! Toss it to me!” Alastor smiled.

“Hold on a second. You said you wanted a common oil lamp,” Moxxie said.

“That I did,” Alastor nodded.

“Of absolutely no value,” Moxxie added.

“Exactly, that's the one!” Alastor exclaimed.

“Then this can’t be it. This lamp has a magic genie inside. Her name is Charlie. She came out for a bit, and she's really funny!” smiled Moxxie.

“Alright, I admit it. I knew about the genie, I'm sorry that I lied to you. I just needed it to save the kingdom!” Alastor replied. 

“Yeah! You lied to me! And I don’t appreciate that. So you know what? I'm stealing this thing!” Moxxie shouted. “Bye!” he said hastily, before flying away. 

“NO!” Alastor cried. The lamp was his one chance. His one chance to save his people. To see his Angel. He’d just lost it forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moxxie is so out of character in this, it’s honestly kind of hilarious.


	7. No One Remembers Pentious

Prince Pentious returned to his kingdom. His army, who he began to call the Egg Bois for no particular reason, stood around the palace. “Soldiers! Armies of Pik Zar! My faithful legions! Your prince has returned!” he exclaimed.

“Oh hi, Mr. Boss Man, sir!” Egg Boi 1 smiled. 

“Gee, we almost forgot all about you!” Egg Boi 2 added. 

“We didn’t think that you were ever going to come back, Mr. Boss Man,” Egg Boi 3 said. 

“Of course I came back! Why wouldn't I? Egg bois! You couldn’t possibly believe the disrespect that I was shown on my journey to the kingdom of Agrabah. But I come to you with proof of the crimes done against me! Everyone, look at my ass!” Pentious exclaimed, before he turned around and showed his army. “Tell me, what do you see?” 

“A smooth set of cheeks, sir!” Egg Boi 1 said. 

“A clean and pert ass, sir!” Egg Boi 2 said. 

“I think I see the back of your balls,” Egg Boi 3 said.

Pentious quickly turned back around. “Precisely! Claw marks are what you see!” he shouted.

“Ohhh!” the army nodded.

“Now, just how do you think that they got there?” asked Pentious.

“Oh! Oh! I know! You received the manhood of a badger!” Egg Boi 1 exclaimed. 

“You smiled at a crocodile?” Egg Boi 2 asked.

“Those are stretch marks, they happen,” Egg Boi 3 said. 

“It was a tiger!” Pentious exclaimed.

“Oh I get it! You got the manhood of a tiger!” Egg Boi 1 smiled.

“Oh yeah! Did you guys hear that? Our prince made love to a tiger!” Egg Boi 2 yelled.

“All hail Pentious, the tiger fucker!” Egg Boi 3 said. 

“Tiger fucker, tiger fucker!” the army chanted.

“I DID NOT FUCK A TIGER!” Pentious screamed. “One was set upon me. That damn cat tore right through the seat of my pants and grabbed ahold of my woody,” he explained.

“Tiger fucker, tiger fucker!” the soldiers repeated. 

“No no no! My WOODY,” Pentious corrected, as he pulled out a toy cowboy. “See? His arm is all fucked up. And now…..now he can't come with me to cowboy camp!” he shouted, before tossing the toy to the side. “All because of that ungrateful, downright rude…...pretty, beautiful, beautiful Princess Millie,” he said. “Oh, who am I kidding? It's never going to happen. A girl like her. A guy like me. I'm not handsome of the face.”

“No!” interjected Egg Boi 2.

“Silence,” Pentious stated. “I have this bizzare sticky-uppy nose, and my hair is a disaster. I should just cut it!” 

“Don't you do it!” Egg Boi 1 yelled. 

“We love you just the way you are!” Egg Boi 2 shouted. 

“No matter what happens, you’ll always be a prince to me,” Egg Boi 3 finished. 

“Thank you,” Pentious smiled.

“In your homeland you're a legend!” Egg Boi 1 sang.

“All the people know your name,” Egg Boi 2 continued.

“On the battlefield and off you are superior!” Egg Boi 3 added.

“I know.  
In the kingdom, though, I'm finding  
that my only claim to fame  
is an incident involving my posterior,” Pentious sang.

“Posterior,” the soldiers said. 

“Please.  
I've won scores of bloody wars  
And mopped the floors with my foes  
But no one remembers Pentious.

I've eviscerated peasants  
From their heads down to their toes  
But no one remembers Pentious.

Say my name in these parts  
And you'll get a vacant stare  
Until you mention tigers  
Or spotted underwear!” Pentious sang.

“Spotted underwear!” the soldiers sang, as more of them joined in the song.

“So to restore my repute  
As a fierce fearsome brute,  
There's only one route I see

Arrange the slaughter of millions  
Of innocent civilians  
Then they'll remember me!” Pentious continued.

“The kingdom of Agrabah has oppressed us for years! They’ve stripped us of our rights, our dignity, our pants! I’ve been ignored for far too long. We’re going to war!” he exclaimed.

“Caked in mud or drenched in blood  
You smell as fresh as a flower  
But no one remembers Pentious.

“You can pleasure sixty concubines  
In only an hour  
But no one remembers Pentious,” the soldiers sang.

“Back home I was a hero  
Ladies trembled when I spoke  
But here the women treat me  
Like a throwaway joke!” Pentious added.

“Throw him away….” sang the soldiers.

“I'm a god on Earth but darnit  
Even deities incarnate  
Now and then can feel a little insecure!” Pentious sang. 

“Insecure,” the soldiers added.

“All I want is some affection  
This rejection's almost  
Too much to endure!” continued Pentious.

“To endure  
Look at all he must endure!” the soldiers exclaimed.

“Am I not a thing of beauty? Don’t you want a piece of this? Wouldn’t you happily greet me when I return home from a one sided massacre, just to bathe my sweaty, bloody body with your tongue?” Pentious asked.

“You ooze sex when you flex  
Those impeccable pecs!” the soldiers sang.

“But the princess rejects me still!  
She may not love me yet  
But I'm willing to bet  
That once I kill all her people she will!” Pentious exclaimed.

“Yes she will  
Yes she absolutely will,” the soldiers agreed.

“Let them laugh, that's just fine  
But the last laugh will be mine,” Pentious smirked. 

“'Cause they can't laugh when they're all dead  
I'll make them all regret  
The day they chose to forget!” they all sang.

“What's that name everyone?” asked Pentious.

“TIGER FUCKER!” his army shouted.

“NO!” Pentious screamed. After a brief pause, he sighed. “Let’s try it again. What's that name?”

“You're the cock of the walk  
With abs as hard as a rock  
Nevermore will they mock you Pentious!” the soldiers sang.

“He fucked a tiger!” Egg Boi 3 added.

“I DID NOT! STOP SAYING THAT! I DID NOT!” Pentious shouted. 

“They'll remember Pentious!  
They'll remember Pentious!  
They'll remember Pentious!” the soldiers repeated.

“They'll remember me!” Pentious smiled.

“Tiger fucker  
Tiger fucker  
Pentious is a tiger fucker!

They'll remember Pentious  
The tiger fucking man!” the soldiers finished.

“QUIT IT!” Pentious yelled. “Alright, it’s time to make our move. Come, Egg Bois! We’re going to Agrabah!”


	8. Did Somebody Order a Prince?

Princess Millie was sulking in her room, when Alastor poked his head inside. “Knock knock,” he said. 

“Oh...you. Aren't you busy? Ruining my life?” Millie asked.

“I noticed you weren't at dinner, but I saw you tried to poison my wine. Usually, when you do that it means you want to talk. What is it, my dear? Are you mad at me?” Alastor asked. Millie didn’t answer, so he sighed. “Alright then. I've got to go find the antidote…” he said, as he started to walk away.

Millie turned to him. “Where are you going?” she asked.

“There she is! So what seems to be the trouble?” asked Alastor. 

“Everything! You ripped out my heart and smashed it into a million pieces! And don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!” Millie shouted.

“I….I’m afraid I don’t,” Alastor admitted. 

“That innocent boy from the marketplace! The one that you sentenced to death? You know! Mo….erm….Moz?” Millie stammered, unable to remember the thief’s name.

“Moxxie?” Alastor asked.

“Yes Moxxie! My one true love!” Millie exclaimed.

“Dear, you hardly knew the boy,” Alastor said. 

“Yeah I did! And he was perfect! Like if you mixed up all the best features from all the best guys, and then gave him a tragic backstory! It's like he was designed just for me,” Millie said, with a dreamy look in her eyes.

“Princess, he was not a nice kind of fellow!” Alastor interjected.

“You just didn't know him like I did!” Millie returned. 

“No, you didn't know him like I did!” Alastor stated.

“I knew everything about him! He was my soulmate! My- my- fuck I am flaking out! What was his name again?” asked Millie.

“Moxxie,” Alastor answered. 

“Moxxie…..I gotta write that down,” Millie said, before she started writing on her hand. “Is that with a ‘y’ or an ‘ie’?” 

“‘Ie’. And there are two x’s,” Alastor replied.

Millie finished up and looked at her hand. “What a weird fucking name,” she said. 

“Yes, it’s odd,” Alastor nodded. “Princess. All your life I've been your vizier. Your tutor, and I actually care about you! You're going to have to rule this kingdom one day, and I'm trying my best to prepare you!”

“But I don't wanna be prepared! I want to expect the unexpected!” Millie exclaimed. 

“You genuinely think that you could handle ruling the kingdom right now?” Alastor asked.

“Yep,” Millie nodded. 

“Then how would you protect the kingdom against Prince Pentious if he invades us?” asked Alastor.

“Who’re we talking about?” Millie asked. 

“Or more simply, how would you fix the socioeconomic inequality?” Alastor asked.

“I've actually been thinking about this one. Okay, so you know how privileged I am? And how because I’m the princess, everyone has to be nice to me and give me shit. So I think it would solve all of the kingdom's problems if we just made everyone a princess!” Millie explained. 

Alastor sat there in disbelief. “....alright,” he said.

“You know it would work!” Millie smiled.

“I understand that you're young. You don't exactly understand how things work yet. And while I don't appreciate any of your ideas, I do appreciate the fact that you have ideas! Maybe one day you'll have some good ones!” Alastor smiled, causing Millie to roll her eyes. “But I wouldn't give another thought to that Moxxie. He's just another thief aiming to have his way with someone. I’ve seen plenty of men like him. Their tactics target vulnerable young girls, and build up false senses of trust, and then isolate them on magic rides of sorts! And when the moment is right, they whip it out,” he explained.

Millie thought she knew where this was going, but Alastor hadn’t finished. “You know…their songs!” he finished.

“Songs?” Millie asked.

“Yes! Be wary of young boys who whip out their songs. A song is often a prelude, to a…..goodness, I don’t even want to say it,” Alastor said.

“Say it! Do it!” Millie exclaimed.

“A penis!” Alastor shouted. “A boy will sing some sort of a romantic love song, then take out his penis like the degenerate he is!” 

At that moment, Fizzarolli walked in. “What the hell did I walk into?” he asked. 

“I'm trying to impart a life lesson, what does it look like? Fizzarolli, I feel like you only come to see me when there's bad news,” said Alastor. 

“Oh no, not this time,” Fizzarolli replied.

“Wonderful! What is it then?” Alastor asked.

“Horrible news. Some asshole riding an elephant is leading a parade down in the marketplace,” Fizzarolli explained. 

“A parade? With no permits?! No clearing of the streets? What happened to the apple carts?” Alastor asked. 

“They're all turned over,” Fizzarolli replied. “But it gets worse.The bastard’s throwing gold pieces to the peasants. Now they're trampling each other to get to it. I counted thirteen dead before the peacocks got to them.”

“Oh goodness…..” Alastor muttered.

“This is all your fault, Alastor! Maybe if you threw a fucking parade every once in awhile-,” Fizzarolli started. 

“I don't want to hear it! Fizzarolli, let's go. Princess, we'll talk later,” Alastor said, as he and Fizzarolli left the room. 

“It was actually a pretty good parade. They even had a flying carpet,” Fizzarolli said, causing Alastor to stop. 

“A flying carpet. Could it be?” he whispered “No! That Moxxie is much too smart to show his face in the city again. And even if he did, he'd be in such heavy disguise,” he said, before following Fizzarolli.

As soon as they had gone, Moxxie stepped into Millie’s room, dressed in royal attire. “Knock knock knock. Did somebody order a prince?” he asked.

Millie gasped, then she looked down at her hand to check the name again. “Moxxie!” she exclaimed, before hugging him. 

“How the hell did you know it was me?” Moxxie asked.

“Because it is you! You're just wearing different clothes,” Millie smiled. 

“Wow. Pretty and smart. You're the real deal, sweetie,” Moxxie said. 

“How did you escape being executed? I almost thought you died,” Millie said.

“I escaped, because I'm a prince. Obviously,” Moxxie replied. 

“You're a prince? But I thought that you were a poor orphan boy! You know, I'm starting to trouble believing this,” Millie said. 

“Hold on! I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I’m a prince. A super cool, super real prince. Everything I told you the other night was a lie. Don't you trust me?” Moxxie asked.

“So, you aren’t a tragic figure rebelling against the Man?” Millie asked

“Sweetie, I am the man,” Moxxie smiled.

“And you stole all of that stuff just because you could?” Millie asked.

“Right!” Moxxie nodded.

“Oh no. Ok, um, now I'm starting to feel like everything about you that was attractive to me before isn't really there anymore,” Millie said, before she sighed. “No! No. I'm just being weird. It's still you. I've just got to get back on that high that I was on before.”

“You want to get high?” Moxxie asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Not literally, silly. Just look into my eyes and talk to me some more about the world's injustice!” Millie smiled.

“Yeah! Just….give me a second,” Moxxie said. He walked out of earshot and took off his hat. Inside was the lamp, and Charlie was in there. “Pssst, Charlie? I know I can't wish for Princess Millie to fall in love with me, you know, since that's against your rules. But could we just start with sex? No strings attached. Is that okay?” Moxxie asked. He held that hat to his ear and listened to Charlie’s answer. “NO?!? Oh come on, how many rules do you have? It’s okay. I guess I'm gonna have to do this the old fashioned way,” he said, before putting his hat back on. 

Moxxie walked back over to Millie. He just had to find some way to get her to think about sex. “Hey, Millie. You know, it’s such a beautiful night,” he said, before he hastily whispered. “Take off your clothes.”

“What did you just say?” Millie asked.

“I said it's beautiful out. Just like you.” Moxxie replied. 

“Awww!” Millie smiled.

“Look at the west tower of the palace. What does it look like? A big long shaft, with a tiny head on top, what does that remind you of?” Moxxie asked.

“A giraffe!” Millie exclaimed.

“.......okay. I mean...I guess. But that isn’t what I see. Maybe you just can't get a good look at it from down here. What do you say we take a magic carpet ride?” Moxxie asked.

“Oh cool!” Millie nodded. 

The two of them got on the carpet. Despite how...odd things seemed to her, Millie figured this situation was alright. After all, it wasn’t like Moxxie was singing or anything. Until he was.

“See that palace of gold,   
Shining, sparkling, metallic,   
And a little bit phallic.   
Take a look and you'll agree. 

See those leaves on the ground,   
spelling something explicit,” Moxxie sang.

“SFX?” Millie asked.

“Don’t you blink or you'll miss it  
Gently asking you and me  
Take off your clothes!   
So many hidden messages. 

Subtle yet slightly lewd  
But if you're shrewd   
They'll put you in the mood  
To take off your clothes!” he continued.

“I feel compelled subconsciously!   
I don't know why or how  
But here and now,  
I'm tempted to take off my clothes with you!” Millie added. 

“I wanna take off my clothes with you!” Moxxie sang.

“I feel free as a bird with no cage and no owner!” Millie exclaimed.

“Look, that priest has a boner!” Moxxie yelled.

“No, I think that's just his knees!” Millie corrected.

“Take off your clothes!” Moxxie sang.

“What a perfect romance!” Millie smiled.

“Millie, take off your pants!” Moxxie belted.

“Don't have to pretend with me!” Millie sang. 

“Show me your magic carpet!” Moxxie added.

“Even the stars above reflect our love.   
They want me to take off my clothes with you!” the both of them sang.

“You really love me?” Millie asked.

“Yeah! You’re cool and stuff. And cute,” Moxxie replied.

“And you're a prince?” Millie asked.

“Sweetie, I'm basically the most powerful prince in the world,” Moxxie answered.

“More powerful than Prince Pentious?” asked Millie.

“Sure! I have no idea who that is!” Moxxie smiled.

“Maybe this is how I help save the kingdom. By marrying you! Marry me, Moxxie!” Millie exclaimed.

Moxxie thought it over for a moment, then he nodded. “Okay! Sounds good. So uh...what’re we gonna do to….celebrate our engagement?” he smirked. 

“Wanna just sit out here and look up at the stars?” Millie asked.

“Okay. Sure!” Moxxie smiled. “Take off your clothes,” he whispered.

“Not until after we’re married,” Millie stated.

“Fine, fine. I respect you, you know?” Moxxie said. He could wait. He’d wait as long as he needed.

Millie smiled, and the two of them went back to gazing at the night sky.


End file.
